In Her Words: Patricia Vlamis, 60, Is Just Getting Started
She put her photography career on hold to be a SAHM, later became a social media marketing manager, is about to start teaching art, and recently self-published a coloring book with a special purpose.
I was eight when my father became permanently disabled. He got phlebitis in his leg after routine testing for a kidney problem that started when he was a soldier in WWII. My father was born during the Great Depression and worked doing manual labor. He was, however, a Renaissance man. He was a painter and a musician. He could pick up any instrument and play it. During his years when he was disabled, he was able to paint and play music, which got him through his days at home. In November of 1978, he had an operation for gallstones, and he died a week later. His body just couldn't handle it anymore.
My father died the Sunday before Thanksgiving and the funeral was the day before Thanksgiving. The Monday after, we went back to school and that was it. When the priest handed out my report card for that term, he looked at it and said, “Oh, you were out of school a lot of days.” And I said, “Well, my father died in November.” The priest didn’t even know my father died. That’s something that always stuck with me. There was nothing to help us through that time.
I’m the youngest of four. I have two older brothers (one passed away twelve years ago) and I have an older sister. My sister was still a freshman in college, and I was 14 and a freshman in high school when my dad passed away. It was just my mother, my sister, and me at home. My mom was only 54 and she was very concerned about taking care of my sister and me. I don’t remember her really grieving. I’m sure she did, but I don’t remember a lot about that. I got out of the house and hung out with my friends through high school and college. I just wanted to keep busy and keep having fun. That’s how I coped.
As a freshman in college at Rutgers, I took an intro to photography as an elective. That was the only thing I liked about that year. My sister came home with a brochure for the School of Visual Arts in New York City. I applied and got in. Because my father was a veteran, and his illness was World War II related, my college and my sister’s college were paid for with veteran’s benefits. My four years there were incredible. I majored in photography. My only regret is that I didn’t minor in art therapy.
After I graduated from college, I interned at Christie’s Auction House and after a year, was hired as a staff photographer. That led to my dream job at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where I was also a staff photographer. I had a lot of fun during those days working New York City, spending my weekends with my friends in Jersey City and at summer houses down the Jersey Shore. By chance I went on vacation to Jamaica with a friend and I met my husband, John on the cliffs of Negril. He lived in Connecticut. We dated about a year, got married, and I moved to Connecticut. I was still working at the Met, which meant commuting to New York two hours each way. He was an executive chef at the time, so his hours and mine were totally different.
In 1998 I had my first daughter, Mary. I really thought I was going back to work but quickly realized there was no way I could leave her for all those long hours. I became a stay at home mom (SAHM) and had another daughter, Tina, in 2000. My husband worked very hard so I could be with the girls and we were able to survive with one income. I don't regret it. It’s what we wanted for our family and I believe it helped our girls become the successful women they are today.
When the kids were in high school, I was approached by my local parish to help with parish communications. I was the communications coordinator handling all social media, press and a weekly newsletter. I eventually worked at two churches and was in charge of communications. Now I work at a real estate agency handling their social media and marketing.
As I was approaching 60, I kept asking myself “What am I going to do?” The day before my 50th birthday I ran a half marathon, but I had a knee injury and I can’t run like that anymore. A friend of mine who I worked with at the church recommended doing the Mel Robbins Launch program and I decided to do it. It’s from April to October and is a daily online thing. It’s pretty intense. We have three project sprints. The first sprint was in spring. You had to do one project, and you had to work on it every day for 30 days. Every day there were different goals and different things you had to do.
At the same time, I was soul searching for my “next steps” and I always came back to wanting to help kids who are grieving. With a simple internet search, I found The Cove, which is a grief center for children in Cheshire, Connecticut (the next town over from me). Long story short, I started volunteering there. I went to a couple fundraising events and took photos, and then they asked me if I would come to their yearly weekend camp. It was amazing. It’s open to any kid who can come, free of charge. Everything is paid for by fundraising. The kids have lots of fun activities as well as grief activities. There is a lot of bonding with others in their group and they make friends with kids who have had similar experiences.
I had to decide on a project for my Mel Robbins Launch program. I knew I wanted to make something beneficial that would help grieving kids. Then I was on TikTok one day, and I saw people with a side hustle of making coloring books and producing them through Amazon. I knew I could create something like that in Canva. That’s when I decided to create “My Memory Journal: A coloring book for children who have experienced loss and grief” as my project.
I did a lot of research for my book. I went to the library and got every book I could find to get ideas. A book called The Grief Recovery Handbook was very enlightening. It was kind of like a workbook. I went through it myself and then I took some ideas from that and put them in my book.
I did some of the illustrations myself. For others, I used images from Canva as resources and made them my own in Photoshop. I took the cover photo. I was waiting to return some books at my local library, so I walked down this street to kill a little time and there was this lovely plant with heart-shaped flowers. I took the photo just because I liked the flowers, but as soon as I saw it I thought, “That’s going to be the cover.”
As I was working, I was thinking “Is this good? Am I an imposter? Do I really know what I'm doing?” But then I had a couple of the directors from the camp and a couple of the therapists look at the proof copy, and they were very supportive of everything in it. The camp director asked me if I could I do it in Spanish too, so now I’m in the process of getting it translated. I'm also in the process of marketing it to other groups and funeral homes.
What have been the greatest challenges that you faced so far with this project?
Just trying to find the right way to approach it and the right way to help people. I want to make sure I provide the right information. It was a relatively simple process. I have three more ideas I’m going to do once I get this one settled.
If you could go back in time, what advice would you give to your 25 year old self?
Stop worrying about your next step and what will happen in the future. Live more in the present and enjoy the stage you are in right now. Your next steps will always present themselves and the right thing will always happen! That’s the advice I would give to myself. It took me a long time to learn that, and that’s what I try to say to my girls every time they have a setback. I’m a spiritual person, and I know that if I put all my worries at the foot of the Lord, He will take care of it, and it will all work out. Every day I start by asking the Holy Spirit to guide and protect us.
Belle Curve Stories is about women navigating life with grit, grace and growth? What do those three words mean to you?
I’m very gritty. I’m a tough Jersey City Girl. Don’t make me take my earrings off. [She laughs.] I didn’t go to therapy till I was in my 30s, which is when I first really dealt with my father dying. So in my 20s, I was really kind of on the edge and a little angry. I started coming to terms with those things, and then I met my husband, and my whole life changed. As I’ve aged, I’ve mellowed, but when something hits me that really gets me going, forget it. I can have a bad temper sometimes.
Without grace, you really can’t grow. Grace is allowing what is supposed to come to you, accepting it, working with it, and finding a way to move on from it. Every day you have to do something to help you grow, even if you think, “Oh, I’m 60. I’m done.” No, you’re not. I’m only just beginning! I’ve always ran and worked out, but I just started lifting weights in January and it’s a game changer. I think you must continue growing your mind as much as possible. I refuse to say I’m old. I’ve got a lot more to go, and that’s one of the reasons I want to be healthy. I want to be around for my family, for my kids, and someday, for my grandkids.
As told to and edited by Teresa Bellock and Sandra Ditore.
Patricia Vlamis, 60, is a photographer, art teacher, volunteer, mother, and wife. She’s also a content creator and self-publisher. Her most recent project is a coloring book, available on Amazon: My Memory Journal: A coloring book for children who have experienced loss and grief. Pat’s photography portfolio can be found here and here. You can also follow her on Instagram @patmaz854.
